Dear Yoga, we need to reevaluate our relationship (warning: raw honesty)

imagesI’m a 100% all in kind of gal. So naturally when I started on the journey to being a yoga teacher, I was all in. I know everyone says yoga is a lifestyle but I think balance in that lifestyle, like in anything else, is also important. I pushed myself in my teacher training, convinced that if I couldn’t fully “feel” a pose in my body, I couldn’t honestly I teach it. I had a website, Facebook page and started teaching halfway into my training. I got super into being healthy (or trying to). I just felt it had to be all or nothing, right? Now into my 4th month of teaching with the potential of more job openings I felt I had to put in 110% because it is so competitive. Even though I don’t like to compete, I didn’t want to be left behind either. I went around boasting how amazing yoga is (and I do believe it’s great), preaching through motivational Facebook statuses and a seemingly zen demeanor. Here’s the truth. My yogi zenness was sometimes a cover up for frustration and tears. It was a way for me to stay calm (which I guess is a good thing) when at times I just wanted to scream (which I probably should have done). Not totally healthy. My motivational statuses that I thought I was sharing for others’ benefit were often just me talking out loud to myself. As time went on I got more involved in the yoga community, which is such a beautiful thing, but I left other things in my life on the back burner. My passion for music grew dimmer and dimmer, my conversations were only focused on how to better myself and the constant need obsession to better others. I felt connected to a new community but I was disconnecting from a lot of things in the rest of my world and my relationships. Even when others didn’t feel the disconnect, I see the complacent nods as I went on and on and on… Only now I’m seeing how it broke me. How I pushed myself and wanted everyone to be with me on this journey. Understandably, I was excited, it was new and I seemed to be good at it. But it’s a journey I’m currently struggling with. In times of trouble my fellow yogis “bring it to their mat” or “meditate on it” but I kinda wanted to tell yoga to piss off. I know it’s not Yoga’s fault, and honestly I probably could do better than to add self-blame and self-pity to my current feelings, but frankly I feel like Yoga is the last thing I want right now. For weeks I have debated going to a yoga retreat, now I’m fairly sure I don’t want to go. I taught a class tonight and it took every fiber of my being to get me off my couch, which makes me feel like a horrible teacher. I taught about being strong and learning to let go, and feeling every feeling even the ugly ones. Which is true. But there was also a thundering storm outside, which wasn’t helping the fact that all I wanted to say was “fuck this, I have no authority to tell you how to feel, I can’t even get a handle on how I’m feeling!” Of course, although very authentic, it probably wouldn’t go over well… so I continued to wax poetic, trying to be as honest as I could. I felt so disconnected, every fiber of my being saying “why are you here?” I couldn’t answer the question. I feel passionless, I feel lost and I don’t want to turn to yoga for answers right now. Maybe in a week or two I might, but right now, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, re-evaluate my life and pick up the pieces of everything that feels broken…the things I planned, my still injured shoulder, my very confused heart. I know want to teach yoga, I know deep down I love yoga and I’m devoted to sharing it with others…but I don’t think I can let it take me away from everything else that’s important to me, I need to find balance. I need to be OK with occasionally doing something that might clash with the ideal yogic path. I need to let others grow on their own and not push yoga philosophy down their throats. Because when shit falls apart, sometimes that’s not what people want to hear. I know that right now, I don’t.


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